Assuming the Intentions of Others, and Other Relationship Hacks

Something that many of us may do unconsciously in relationships is to automatically assume the intentions of others. These assumptions are often very subtle, and usually they are based on our attachment styles and our experiences of how people are in the world. How does this effect you? Let me give you an example.  Your friend cancels plans with you, again.  Maybe you are in the habit of cancelling plans as well. If this is the case, then it is unlikely that you will assume that your friend meant anything by it, aside from just having something come up. Now imagine that you have had many friends flake on you recently, or you have had a bad experience with people cancelling on you recently. You may assume negatively that this friend is a bad friend, or that they don’t want to be friends with you. In this example, one can see how easily attachment styles and past experiences can play into assumptions. Let me explain. People with more insecure attachment styles may be generally insecure in relationships, and they may choose to attach to people who are also more insecurely attached. Their experiences up until now may have supported or confirmed that their assumptions are correct.  This is called a self-fulfilled prophecy. It’s not that they are wrong, it’s that they collect information and evidence to support their beliefs; and they unconsciously miss or pass by the other evidence, that may support the other options around people’s intentions being good. They may also not notice they times that people show up for them, have good intentions toward them, and support them.  

By this point in the article, you are probably aware that assuming intentions also probably plays a big part in your relationships at work and in your romantic relationships. If you are a person who may be a little jaded, who has been burnt, or who has had hard experiences in relationships, then you are probably someone who may assume the worst, or at least you may tend to lean toward skeptical. And you may notice that assuming less than ideal outcomes in your relationships may be getting you in trouble. For example, your anniversary is coming up, and your partner hasn’t mentioned it. You may just assume that they are planning a surprise for you, or that they two of you will figure it out together. But, if you are sensitive about the relationship, you may assume that they’ve forgotten, or that they don’t care. This assumption may keep you from talking to your partner. And if your partner discovers that you have assumed the worst of them, then they might feel hurt by you, and offended that you would assume that.

Why do we make assumptions?  We make assumptions in the absence of being able to ask another, our assumption may be protecting us from being too vulnerable, or from getting hurt.  If you are a person that is often making assumptions alone, this may be preventing you from sharing your feelings with the other, asking the other what they are going through, or understanding them better.  You may be trying to manage your disappointment in relationships by predicting peoples’ intentions; maybe that way, you feel less let down by managing your expectations of people.

The difficult work of assuming the best: a relationship hack. Although assumptions are often automatic, the honest truth is that they take work. If you are someone who is assuming that people are trying to hurt you, that people aren’t good, or that people can’t be trusted, then the reality is that you are probably working hard to maintain that position. So here is a hack.  Why not work just as hard to assume the best intentions of the people around you? Does this feel threatening, to lose the jaded defense? Well, let me clarify. Assuming good intentions and choosing to continue to trust someone who may not be trustworthy are two separate things. Also, assuming better intentions of people doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to have your feelings about something or be angry at someone. It just means that even if you are hurt, you are assuming that what someone did to hurt you could have been un-intentional, or a way that someone is protecting themselves. Here is my theory. Getting into the habit of assuming the best of others will ultimately help you, and make you a much happier human. Even if you don’t want to, say, make plans with that person who keeps on cancelling, you can still assume the best intentions of them, and then choose to invest your energy into someone else. It takes a low-level amount of work to assume the best, but you will notice that doing so will change how people view you, how safe people feel with you, and general relationship maintenance, if we are referring to your romantic and work relationships. Yes, some people have bad intentions. And you don’t need to be involved with those people. You can both generally assume that people are trying their hardest in life and also make choices around whom you would like to be close to.

Bianca Aarons LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco . Bianca’s specialties include attachment, trauma, sexual abuse, post traumatic stress, relationship issues, depression issues, couples work and work with teenagers. Learn more about Bianca at www.biancaaarons.com, email her at BiancaAaronsMFT@gmail.com, or call her at (415) 553-5346 to ask any questions or to set up a consultation session.